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Our shit-listJan. 9, 2002
1. The word "jazz." Whatever it used to mean,
now it means Wynton Marsalis and all things tastefully
freeze-dried. People feel good when they say it, talking about a
concert they went to or a CD they just bought, but they shouldn't.
They should feel lame. Even worse, of course, is the word "jazzy."
When is "jazzy" ever good? It's what marketing directors want
their ad campaigns to be. Here's what we should say instead:
"jizz." This word is wet with the disrepute and vitality "jazz"
has left far behind.
2.
This Winnie the Pooh dressed in a
hooded beagle outfit. What the fuck? Did Winnie kill
Snoopy and make a little tailored suit out of his skin?
3. This teaser from Salon.com: "A low-budget office comedy crackles with self-conscious jabs at the life of a corporate drone." Now, we at the Blue Hammer have written some crappy teasers in our time, but none as bad as this, because we keep in a mind a simple rule: Don't try to cram in too much. Your point will be lost in a sticky surfeit of adjectives.
4. This comment from somebody named Norah Vincent, which also appeared in Salon: "How to respond to bin Laden? Remember that peace won't necessarily save lives, war won't either and doubt is a moral responsibility." Thanks, Norah. Very helpful.
5. Tales from ol' Route 66. Who cares? There's a road that goes through Ohio called the Dixie Highway. You can take it all the way to Florida, and it's got plenty of crappy restaurants, cheap hotels and all the other junk that made Route 66 famous. But you don't hear "All Things Considered" segments about it, do you? Or see Dixie Highway coffee table books? We're going to rectify the situation by making an independent film about our adventures in search of the lost world of the Dixie Highway. We'll meet crazy local characters, run out of gas, and never find what we're looking for, but everyone will love our self-effacing humor. Salon.com review it, and their teaser will be, "Full of scruffy charm and dark humor, this cockeyed little masterpiece is ultimately buoyed by its finely tuned sensitivity to the pathos of an almost-vanished world."
6. Tall, athletic guys with pony-tails.
7. People who come up to me when I'm stoned and say, "Did you see that AC/DC CD?"
8. The Little Prince. Smug French bastard and his stupid billowing scarf. Fuck off, Little Prince. Who asked you to come to our planet anyway?
 9. This stupid face I can't stop myself from making when I make eye contact with someone on the street. The repressed smile. What's it supposed to mean? Hey, bitch, either smile or don't smile!
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Fabulous book cover of the month