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The Onion

"Submissions of any kind are not accepted and The Onion cannot guarantee their return, nor can The Onion guarantee a response to unsolicited submissions."
--Editorial Policy of The Onion
Volume 1 Issue 1 | America's Finest Source of News about America's Finest News Source | 10 August 2001

News Briefs Not Found
In The Onion
Jackass Stands On Top Of Boat
Local Man Wants to Sex You Up
Moment Of Happiness Turns Out To Be Caffeine High; Subsequent Unhappiness Is Genuine

Top News
About The Onion

The Onion Runs Ninth Article This Year Lampooning Gen X Irony
MADISON, WI-- For the ninth time this year, The Onion has run an article lampooning the ironic outlook of Generation X. The most recent story, "Local Man Shows Off His 'Hilariously Bad' Record Purchases," once again mocked the inclination of 25-35 year olds to indulge in a cheap sense of superiority toward pop culture. The latest story followed closely on the heels of articles entitled "Group Of Friends Eagerly Await 'Love Boat' Reunion," and "Wife No Longer Finds It Charming When Husband Recites 'Brady Bunch' Dialogue."
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Christians To The Onion: We're Not Offended, We're Disappointed
WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Calling The Onion's mockery of them "too broad and obvious," Catholics, Southern Baptists, Presbyterians, and Evangelical Christians in a joint press conference urged the weekly to sharpen their satire. "Good satire is based on close observation and calls forth the laughter of recognition," said the Rev. Henry Grubman of Trinity Baptist Church. "The articles in the Onion, by contrast, are based on the broadest sterotypes."
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National News
The Onion Missed

Report: People In Wheelchairs Are "Simply Being Lazy"
 WASHINGTON, DC-- The condition of "paralysis" is an elaborate hoax perpetrated by lazy people, according to a report released today by a government task force. "These people are so lazy they don't even want to walk," said Nick Maxwell, chairman of the Handicap Reform Task Force, "and so they have convinced the rest of us that they can't walk. We all know 'can't' is a word for losers."
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Man Unable To Get The Phrase "Burgeoning Man-Tits" Out Of His Head
DAYTON, OH-- While trying on clothes at the Banana Republic, area resident Josh Gries, 34, thought, "I need to find a shirt that doesn't show my burgeoning man-tits," and has since had these words stuck in his head. Gries has passed out of post-adolescent scrawniness and into early-middle-aged doughiness without even a brief transitional period of being well-proportioned.
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