WASHINGTON, DC-- The condition of "paralysis" is an elaborate hoax perpetrated by lazy people, according to a report released today by a government task force. "These people are so lazy they don't even want to walk," said Nick Maxwell, chairman of the Handicap Reform Task Force, "and so they have convinced the rest of us that they can't walk. We all know 'can't' is a word for losers."

	Above: Lazy "parapalegic"

The report condemned wheelchair users for wasting billions of dollars of public money used to make buildings handicapped-accessible. "Lazy-person- accessible is more like it," said Maxwell. The report also accuses those claiming to be paralyzed of causing untold amounts of heartache to their families, and of ruthlessly exploiting the sympathy of an unsuspecting public.

One of the report's chapters was devoted to the subject of handicapped painters. "All that stuff about painting holding brushes in their mouths? That's bullshit," said Maxwell. "No one can really do that. Our findings show that they paint with their hands when no one is looking, then pretend they did it with their mouths so everyone will be impressed with their crappy paintings."

Many reacted with anger to news of the hoax, but some were not surprised. "I had my suspicions," said Barry Konisberg, a bank teller in Lexington, Kentucky. "I mean, the idea that you can't walk? That's pretty far fetched. Everyone can walk." Konisberg added that what he dislikes most about people in wheelchairs is "how they always make me feel guilty that I can walk. And now I don't have to. If I see a guy in a wheelchair, I'll just say, 'Stand up, lazybones!'"

"Stand Up, Lazybones!" is in fact the motto being printed on government-sponsored buttons and bumperstickers to urge the nation's wheelchair users to abandon their ruse.

Above: The federal government will launch a campaign designed to apply "much-needed peer-pressure to wheelchair-using shirkers."

The American Association of Quadriplegics and Paraplegics reacted with anger to the report. Spokesman Larry Brown called the report "the craziest thing I've ever heard. I'm speechless. Where is their evidence? This 'report' is nothing more than a stream of irrational, hateful lies with no support at all. No one is going to take this seriously."

But the report's release has already raised questions about other disabilities. "If paralysis is a big lie, what about blindness, deafness, and mental retardation?" asked the New York Times in an editorial today.

According to psychologist and long-time handicap doubter Bradley Pace, "people who claim to have these conditions simply crave attention. They need to feel special, a case in point being the 'Special' Olympics. It's time they realize that everyone is special, and that we 'normal' people are sick of their shit."

Pace had a series of recommendations for dealing with those posing as handicapped, including what to say if a "blind" person asks for help in crossing the street. He advises that those so approached should look steadily into the eyes of the "blind" person and say, "Let's just give it a rest, shall we?"

The Onion failed to cover the report's release, apparently precluded from doing so because of its policy of not accepting outside contributions. They instead ran yet another story on the familiar theme of President Bush's limited intellectual capacity.