July 01, 2002

These are some of the celebrities I served in the five or so years I waited tables:

• Marla Trump
  She asked if the chicken in the chicken teriyaki was organic. The answer was no. She had it anyway. One of the cooks said, "you could fit her ass in the palm of your hand."

• Kenny G
  Kenny G was a regular at a number of places I worked in the course of my career in the service industry, and so I was able to witness his development from name-dropping, arrogant prick to pretty nice guy. He had a vulnerable, innocent streak, and seemed oblivious to the fact that to many people he is an object of ridicule. Sometimes he would come in by himself and talk our ears off. A co-worker once asked, "Could you please go talk to Kenny G for me? I'm really busy."

• Bill Gates
  Before he got married, Bill Gates used to come in by himself for sushi. He would constantly rock back and forth. (When I was in sixth grade there was this genius first-grader who took some of his classes with us. This kid rocked back and forth in exactly the same way.) He looked like he never, ever relaxed. Some people complained that the richest man in the world should tip more than the 15% Gates always left, but, really, why should he?

• Seth Warshavsky (Internet Porn King)
  The media at one point anointed Warshavsky as an Internet entrepreneurial genius and spokesperson for freedom of speech. He was quoted in Time magazine and eventually testified before Congress. We called him Monkey Boy. The female servers were creeped out by him, so I was always the one who waited on him and his entourage. I once touched his palm as he handed me his credit card, and it felt distinctly reptilian. But I never had anything against the guy--he consistently ran up a hefty bill, tipped decently, and was polite. He has now apparently fled the country, one step ahead of creditors and lawsuits.

• Paul Allen
  Ill at ease. In a hurry. Secretive.

• Dave Grohl (Nirvana drummer, Foo Fighters front man)
  Dave Grohl was the sweetest, most polite person I ever waited on. He was almost embarrassingly appreciative of the smallest things, thanking us profusely every time we filled his water glass. I felt bad for him. It was like he was trying to single-handedly atone for the sins of all the asshole rock stars in the world.

• The singer for the band Candlebox
  I don't remember this guy's name, and I will be goddamned if I'm going to look it up. Candlebox was a terrible band. Everything about them should be forgotten. But all the women servers were ga-ga over this guy, even though he was always accompanied by his skanky girlfriend (Courtney Jr, I called her). One waitress said, and I swear I am not making this up, "Tell him I will suck his dick under the table."

• A bunch of guys from some football team (the St. Louis Rams?)
  They were too drunk to even look at the menu, and told me to just bring them some stuff. "Take care of us, Dave," their spokesman said. "Set us up, Dave." So I of course started ordering the most expensive items on the menu. I thought they would be oblivious to the whole thing as long as I kept the drinks coming, but they started to get suspicious after I brought out the third lobster. Then it was, "What are you doing, Dave? Don't fuck us, Dave." For a moment I actually feared for my safety, but they eventually paid for everything on the bill, and even though they only tipped about 10%, it was still a pretty good haul for me.

• Howard Schultz (chairman of Starbucks)
  Howard Schultz was a hell of a nice guy. He is very much a business tycoon in the Seattle mold: he wants to conquer the world, but also wants to be universally loved. I think this must be quite a burden. I fucked up his order one time, and even though I could tell he was pissed, he couldn't allow himself to drop his PR-savvy pose of unflappable magnanimity.

• Dick Cavett
  Compete asshole. He was trying to communicate with the sushi chef using his rudimentary Japanese, and I, the Caucasian server at his back, was apparently cramping the purity of his cultural experience. He refused to look at me or communicate in any way. But it wasn't simply the prick-like way he was acting at that moment--he was one of those guys who, as soon as you meet him, you know is an asshole from the bone marrow out. I later heard an interview with him that confirmed this impression.

• Cab Calloway
  Came in for ice cream a few months before he died. He wordlessly signed autographs ("Hi-di-ho Cab Calloway") for everyone while his manager told funny anecdotes. The only celebrity I ever met whose presence inspired awe.

• Various local TV people
  I love local celebrities. They're like cookies made with Equal instead of sugar. You want to be, like, "Oh, the guy from Channel 7, big fucking deal," but they still hold a fascination because you usually see them on TV but here they are right in front of you. As customers, they are almost always nice. Especially the weather men.

• Stevie Wonder
  Okay, I never waited on Stevie Wonder. But I have a friend who did. He wanted to make a little speech, like, "I know you must hear this all the time, but I just wanted to tell you how much your music means to me, etc., etc.," but how do you address Stevie Wonder? He finally settled on "Mr. Wonder."