July 03, 2002

Are Ernie and Bert lovers or "just friends"? The producers of Sesame Street have become irritated about this question without actually answering it.
      But you know what? They should be happy that everyone is obsessing about the gay thing. It provides a convenient cover for the truly troubling questions about Ernie and Bert: Are they people, animals, or monsters? And are they kids or adults? This ambiguity threatens the entire taxonomic structure of the Sesame Street universe.
      The lines between the types of characters on the show are clear. Baby Bear, Big Bird, Kermit, and Snuffy are animals. Elmo, Cookie Monster, Oscar, Telly, Zoe, and Rosita are monsters. The Count, Guy Smiley, and Prarie Dawn are people. Where does that leave Ernie and Bert? They cannot be animals, because every animal character is clearly identified with a particular species, which is usually included in the character's name (e.g., "Kermit the Frog"). They cannot be monsters, since monsters are always furry, and Ernie and Bert have smooth skin. Ernie and Bert must be people, if only by process of elimination, and even though they sit uneasily in this category.
      But are they children or adults? Oscar, the Count, and Guy Smiley are all adults, with the means to live independently. The Count is a wealthy aristocrat, and Guy Smiley makes his living as a television reporter. Oscar doesn't need an income because he eats and lives in garbage. The key point that establishes the adult status of these three characters, though, is that they never talk about their mommies and daddies, who are apparently either dead, or live on another street.
      Child characters such as Elmo, Baby Bear, and Telly, on the other hand, frequently refer to their mommies and daddies, on whom they are dependent for food, shelter, and emotional guidance.
      Leaving Bert aside for a moment, let us consider the status of Ernie. He simply does not cut it as an adult. He doesn't have a job. He plays with a rubber ducky and is emotionally immature. But he never talks about his mommy, and presumably somehow pays his share of the rent on a spacious apartment.
      I have a theory that I think would clear the mystery up. Ernie is Bert's nephew. Bert is a young adult who has inherited enough money to live independently. He took Ernie in when Ernie was made an orphan by a tragic accident. Theirs is something of a paternalistic relationship, since Bert is slightly older Ernie, but their ages are close enough so that this relationship is not pronounced, and is even at times reversed, especially when Bert becomes overly excited. They are not gay, but may be forced to turn gay since there are no female adult muppets on the show.