August 25, 2003

Okay, everyone just leave me alone. You all keep coming up to me and saying, "What is your frank and succinctly expressed opinion of various NPR programs?" Enough, I say. Like Christ bringing the light of love upon the surface of the Earth, so too shall I rain compassion on your burning desire to know in detail my opinion on the above-referenced matter. Let's start with…

• All Thing Considered
  Who really knows about this one? A mystery it is and so shall it remain, for who has the stamina to listen to the motherfucker? Who can conquer the eternal twin obstacles, Obstacle the First being the droll commentators talking about the smell of their grandma's cocksucking kitchens or the smugly elucidated ironies of a music video or some other pop culture phenomenon, and Obstacle the Second being the droll variations on their faggot theme music (ba BA ba ba ba BA ba baaaa) played by some faggot brass section?

• On the Media
  This show rules, dude. A recent program started with the executive editor of the Washington Post, segued into a funny segment on Fox News vs. Al Franken, followed by a well-informed piece on the culture inside CNN, and ended up exploring the existential implications of "crossovers" in TV programs, like when a lawyer from The Practice shows up on Ally McBeal.

• All those BBC news programs
  They're great, of course. The accents are enough, really, to convince you you're listening to something worthwhile. Especially when they talk about cricket—who can follow that shit? And that's why it's so relaxing. But seriously, though, one of the positive remnants of empire—and I mean a real empire like the English had, that didn't only slaughter people of color but also built roads and railroads and schools and sent generations of young men all over the world to run things—is that they are not only aware of places like Africa but know about regional differences in these places and have a history of paying attention to them.

• This American Life
  This show is like a drug—whether you like it or not doesn't even matter. Once you start listening, you will neglect your family, miss your bus, or piss your pants to hear it to the end. Except that goddamn Sarah Vowel. Where did this mediocrity come from? And why is everyone sucking her cock as if droning is the height of amused intelligence? Shut the fuck up Sarah Vowel, or however you spell your stupid name.

• Latino USA
  Who doesn't want to know what the most boring, tasteful music and predictable leftist politics are in Hispanic circles? No one, that's who, and that's why you and everyone you know listens even though you fall into a coma every time you do.

• St. Paul Sunday
  I will literally give you nine hundred dollars if you are putting together a fund to take out a contract on the unbearable prig who hosts this fucking thing.

• Prairie Home Companion
  See above.

• Talk of the Nation
  I loved this show when Juan Williams hosted it. As for now, see above.

• Car Talk
  I love Car Talk. Who cares if their shtick is old by now. It's a good goddamn shtick. It's like an old Vaudeville show that's been touring the country since 1916 and has its shit down, and gets you every time, and you're happy to be had.

• Sounds Eclectic
  More like Sounds Tepidic. Your home for tedious, middle-of-the-road British bands for fortysomethings who want to think they're still really with it but who give a shudder of horror at anything with real blood and passion behind it. Guys who are really into Coldplay.

• Studio 360
  They have their moments. They fall for stupid shit, though. Inevitable, I guess, if you have to fill a whole hour on art every week. There just isn't that much good art.

• Fresh Air
  Don't mess with me on this one. Terry Gross is the best interviewer ever. Seriously. How often do you hear guests on her show fall out of their pre-fab spiel and get lost in a reverie triggered by some question that gets inside his or her creative process? Just about every day, that's how often.

• The Tavis Smiley Show
  This is not bad. It's just not all that like everyone is making out.

• American Routes
  (Or is it American Roots? You're supposed to care about the fucking resonances of the homonyms or whatever but who really gives a flying fuck?) The host guy often almost puts together a good show. But then he fucks it up by interviewing Bonnie Rait or waxing poetic on some Rolling Stones song. He showed his real colors when he had Oscar Brown, Jr. on once and let him talk for about five seconds. Oscar Brown, Jr.!! One of the least appreciated talents in American music! The host just basically has really shitty taste, and if he does something good, it's pretty much by accident.

• The Swing Years and Beyond
  Sorry, this is a Seattle show, so some may not have heard of it. Like most listeners, I didn't have strong feelings about the show, but took it for granted that it would always be there. It was part of the texture of Saturday night: giving my daughter a bath and listening to Benny Goodman. That's just the way it was. The host was kind of awkward and distant, but she was always there. Then she killed herself, and like most people I suddenly decided I was a big fan. Now Amanda Wilde, a DJ from KEXP, has taken over the show. And I hate me some Amanda Wilde. It starts with a chemical thing: her voice, I just can't bear it. And then she just talks too goddamn much. You get three-song sets, then these goddamn interminable dissertations about Lionel Hampton this and Frank Sinatra that, and that was when he was still with Capitol and the session man for that session was my big fat cock. And if she is talking about something you happen to know pretty well yourself, you can tell she's just sucking it all off liner notes ten minutes before her show.

• The Motley Fool
  If you don't like this show you're probably in PETA or something.