May 08, 2004

Out	In

In the case for my heterosexuality, there's my 9-year marriage to a woman, the child we have, the fact that I have never engaged in any sex acts with another man, and that I never felt any urge to do so. In the case against, there is my fixation on Hanson. I have actually gotten sick of defending their musical ability (which is real, by the way--those boys have a gift) because, well, Hanson is adorable and I am finally ready to admit that I am not impervious to this.
      But then I saw Ben Kweller. He performed in a conference room at the place where I work (because we sell so many of his CDs online), and by the time he was done, I was, like, Hanson who? (Kweller was promoting his new CD, On My Way. If I were a rock critic I would say that this record showcases his unstoppable hooks and ability, reminiscent of Jonathan Richman's, to appropriate the hoariest of rock and roll conventions and infuse them with fresh and sunny charm, and that he is at his best when churning out warm, Beatley ballads. That's how they talk, those rock critics).
      After you see a famous person, you of course have to say, "tastes like chicken." No, wait. After you see a famous person you have to say, "I didn't realize how short he is." But Ben Kweller is really tiny. At 22 he could easily pass for fourteen. The combination of his boyish vulnerability and the confidence he had in his talent had everyone in the room enthralled from the first second. We all liked him and wanted him to like us, and were happy--no, ecstatic--with the feeling that he probably did. The boy has magic.
      What I gained that day was a greater understanding of why groupies want to suck the dicks of stars. The magic radiating off the star isn't enough--they want to taste it, have some of it inside them. I did not want to suck Ben Kweller's dick, but I did want to cut open my belly and put him inside, maybe with a transparent panel so he could wave at people when we walked by.