December 20, 2004

I have already written too much about the New Yorker. First this thing, then something else I can't remember, and, most recently, this book review for the Seattle Weekly. I do not want to become an old bore, so I promise this will be the last time I bring up the subject. The thing is, there is something important that no one else seems to have noticed: New Yorker cartoons are not funny.
      I don't mean a little bit unfunny, I mean astoundingly, mind-numbingly unfunny. (In case you need a quick refresher in what funny is, you should take a quick look at something by Sean Baby). I can prove this objectively in three easy steps.

1. Just look at these three typical examples of New Yorker cartoons, for christsake:

Their not-funniness is self evident. Any Impressionists? What is even the joke there? "But wait," I hear you say, "the New Yorker publishes many, many cartoons. It's unfair to expect them all to be funny. You just chose some particularly bad ones." I could promise you that, as unfunny as the above are, they are entirely typical. But maybe you don't trust me. Fine. I thought you might say that, so here's what I did: I cut out every single cartoon from the past 25 issues, and chose three of them at random. It was a fairly miserable way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but my daughter got out her safety scissors and helped me. That brings us to the next step,

2. Look at these three New Yorker cartoons chosen using this random number generator:

3. Compare New Yorker captions with captions I wrote:

First, the originals:

Now, mine:

"For fifty bucks he'll crawl up your ass and die."

"Come on! If I shave and you close your eyes it will be just like you're getting it from a woman."

"Bring me a bottle of vodka and a handgun."