February 07, 2005

A college friend recently wrote me about a disgusting problem he's having. He prefers to remain nameless. Let's just call him Robert Jameson of Columbus, Ohio. Robert writes:
     

I'm watching one of those celebrity cock-suck shows the other night, Entertainment Tonight or something, and the little blonde bitch is going, "Aspen means celebrities," and I'm thinking, "I want to shove all that snow up my ass." Because my ass is on fire. Just then I fart through the thick layer of Preparation H I just applied. I apologize to all sentient beings for the sound this releases into the universe.
      Hemorrhoids. That's when you really see how your body can turn on you, and how it will eventually kill you. Next day, I'm in the fucking drug store, looking to restock on the Preparation H. I can't find it. Where do they hide that shit? I notice that they put condoms next to tampons. And it seems like they should divide up the whole store by body part. Aisle 1: Pussies and Dicks. Aisle 2: Ass Needs. Make it simple.
      I also pick up some witch hazel, because I was doing some research and there was this herbalist who said a witch hazel compress will reduce the swelling. Then I realize I am about to go home and stick something up my ass because some guy on the Internet said I should.
      I'm desperate though. Your body might seem to be on your side, but you reach a certain age, and you begin to feel how incarnation is a game you are bound to lose.