June 09, 2005

Having this article about glass artist Dale Chihuly on my site, which is the number one Google result for the phrase "hate chihuly," I occasionally get mail from people saying, "Yeah, I hate that fucking fraud too!" I recently got these survey questions from the "Chihuly Dealer Alliance." I honestly don't know if the group is real, but only an actual Chihuly dealer could write with this much bitterness:

If you requested a review of sales made directly to your client(s) by Chihuly Studio and Chihuly Studio asked you to submit your clients names and the circumstances in writing, would you expect Chihuly Studios response to your submittals to be:
A) An open dialogue on the subject.
B) Completely ignored by Chihuly Studio.
C) Notice from a Chihuly Studio attorney that your representation has been terminated.

If you were informed by Chihuly Studio that you were prohibited from discussing any matters that related to the sale of Chihuly Studio art work with your own client would you feel that this is an abuse of their authority?

If you discovered that Chihuly Studio was involved in a sale to your client after you had been informed by Chihuly Studio that you were prohibited from discussing any business as it relates to Chihuly Studio would you.
A) Stand aside for fear of upsetting Chihuly Studio.
B) Make inquires.
C) Reach for your ankles.

If you demanded an audit of all sales records from the Chihuly Studio do you believe you would find the names of your clients among the sales you have never been compensated for?
A) No. I don't want to know those things.
B) Yes, but let's not go there I don't want to draw attention to myself.

What do you suppose Portland Press does with all those "registration cards" they send along with the drop shipments to your clients?
A) Add the names to Dales growing Christmas card list.
B) Make cute little origami cranes to hang around the Boathouse.
C) Direct mail your clients for solicitations to purchase from Portland Press.

If Dale Chihuly made you an unsolicited offer to appear at a show for your gallery would you expect him to.
A) Show up.
B) Wait until an hour before the opening of the event to have his meat puppet deliver a fabricated story about why he is not coming.
C) What show?

If Dale Chihuly stiffed you by not showing up at an expensive event but promised to make up for it by coming to another show in the near future what would your expectations be.
A) He will honor his word.
B) He will ignore you from that moment and never fulfill his promise.
C) What show?

Many critics dismiss Chihuly art as vacuous pap. But as a dealer you probably feel differently. Are the critics all wrong about Dale?
A) Yes, he's so misunderstood.
B) No, but can we just go on to the next question.

Some critics and art insiders are whispering that without Parks Anderson, Chihuly's career would have fizzled by the early 90's and that Dale is very jealous of Parks and wishes to erase him from the history books, while others point out that Chihuly is such a shameless self promoter he never needed anyone and that even though Parks does all the real work Dale could have done fine without him, thank you, and would at least have secured a deal with QVC to keep things rolling. Do you agree?
A) Yes, it's about time someone starts setting the record straight.
B) No, Dale should get all the credit even if it means scrubbing Lino's signature off a few Venetians and besides who's Parks Anderson?
C) We don't care what the critics say as long as Dale comes to our show!

Which artists career would you most closely compare to that of Dale Chihuly's?
A) Christo "Laundry Over Central Park"
B) Andy "The Factory" Warhol.
C) Cassius Marcellus Coolidge ("Dogs Playing Poker")

Which public figures rise to prominence most closely resembles that of Dale Chihuly.
A) Bill Gates
B) Marshal Tito
C) Donald Trump
D) Clay Aiken

When you are wondering when clients are ever going to stop whining about how Chihuly "doesn't do his own work" and why the elitist art collectors generally sneer at Chihuly's, what best describes your introspection:
A) "Thank God Dale noticed me."
B) "How come no one at the Studio returns my calls?"
C) "Oh my God I am a trembling sycophant!"

If Chihuly Studio terminates your representation without notice and demands that you pack and ship everything back within ten days or you will be subject to damages for denying them access to art work that has probably been lying around in warehouses for years before they decided to park it in your gallery, what would you say?
A) "Let's get cracking! We don't want to piss off Dale!"
B) "Huh?"
C) "Does this mean there isn't going to be a show?"

With all the rumors circulating about Dale Chihuly's mental proclivities and egocentric behavior do you feel there is a pretty darn good chance he might screw the pooch and leave you out on a limb to explain it all?

Do you think a web/blog op-ed site dedicated to the nefarious deeds and unscrupulous acts of Chihuly and his minions which would appear in the results of all inquiries on any of the Internet search engines would have an adverse effect on your galleries retail bottom line?
A) Oh you can't be serious about that!
B) Actually we are serious, in fact the site has already been registered.
C) Billy O'Neil is going to spit up his Starbucks!

Now about that eye patch. Most psychologists would suggest that if you dress up like a pirate it is a fair assumption you have piratical inclinations. So who is most likely to end up with all the treasure?
A) Dale Chihuly
B) All of the above.

Thank you for your participation. And good luck with that gallery!

Index of past entries

02-13-2007 Stop comparing things to punk rock 12-31-2006 But we climb the stairs everyday 12-28-2006 Accidentally Famous Dullard Best Known for Pardoning Crook Healed Nation, Nation Told by Media 11-07-2006 Down for the Dem ladies 10-03-2006 Why you don't want to watch a DVD with me after I've smoked marijuana, which I regularly get from Alfred Hoffington, of 8722 18th Ave NE, Seattle, WA, 98103 08-20-2006 Does your trash can need batteries? 08-06-2006 Four generalizations about New Yorkers 05-21-2006 Muriel Spark 04-22-2006 Maya Lin: Don't touch the particle board 03-26-2006 My version of bible education 03-08-2006 Dental surgery with the oldies 02-16-2006 Junkie brother in China 02-02-2006 True, shameful story 01-02-2006 Rough start to the year 12-26-2005 That Narnia movie 10-31-2005 Plamegate metaphor of the day, from Tim Dempsey 09-17-2005 Another question and follow-up question from my daughter 09-01-2005 Real American hero 08-24-2005 This just happened 08-18-2005 Morning bus tale 08-01-2005 A question, and a follow-up question, from my five-year-old daughter 07-25-2005 A biker who hates bikers 07-11-2005 Great news for Star Wars fans 06-28-2005 The invaluableness of gay eyewear 06-16-2005 Viva Le Robbie Fulks 06-09-2005 Angry Dale Chihuly dealers 05-26-2005 WTF is an up or down vote? 05-18-2005 Sweet Isabella Carbonell 04-25-2005 MoMA and the Mob 04-05-2005 The world mourns. Not. The Daily Hammer Archive