July 11, 2005

I just saw the new "Star Wars" movie, and I have some "exciting news" for "Star Wars" fans: It has light saber fights in it. In fact, it is almost nothing but light saber fights, interspersed with incomprehensible dialogue delivered by men in robes sitting around in Stalin's living room.
      "The clone probe commander's coordinates have been captured by Lord Badifer. Now the senate will consider a measure to increase the quorum's consular stargate." This goes on for hours at a time. But just as I would be drifting into a vegetative state, suddenly there would be a light saber fight on the Jungle Planet or the Cliff Planet or the Ocean Planet.
      In the old Star Wars movies, a light saber fight would be between two guys, and two light sabers. But just like a porno is better the more dicks there are, this movie is better because it has so many more light sabers than before.
      Besides light sabers and monotone talking, the other main parts of the movie are comprised of Yoda moving the skin on his head all around, and the guy who becomes Darth Vader talking to Natalie Portman like this:

Darth Vader: You're so beautiful.
Natalie Portman: That's because I love you so much.
Darth Vader: No, it's because I love you so much.
Natalie Portman: No, it's because I love you so much.
Darth Vader: No, it's because you're so beautiful.

Darth Vader: I hate you!
Obi Wan: No, you hate the anger that you have allowed into the psyche of the essence of your soul.
Darth Vader: I'm going to kill you now.
Obi Wan: No, you must kill the Dark Side, that is the prophecy.
Darth Vader: Holy mother of God, could you be any more annoying?
Obi Wan: The annoyance is the evil in your own head.