December 26, 2005

Nothing says "holiday magic" like little girls weeping over the corpse of a lion, and that's why we headed down to that new Narnia movie. It was great. Great if you like computer generated animals delivering sanctimonious speeches about honor.
      The whole thing is a Christian allegory. You've heard all about that. That means that Liam Neeson--didn't he used to be a Nazi or something?--is the voice of a lion named Assguard who lets himself be ritually killed by the sexy-ass Ice Queen. I did kind of snap to attention when the Ice Queen yelled "Bind him! Shave him!" during the lion-killing scene. I was like, "Hey! Ms. Ice Queen! Over here! I'll be your metaphorical Christ!"
      Then there were, I don't know, some cheetahs and shit attacking polar bears and gnomes in slow motion, and finally all four of the kids get to be queens and kings in this big ceremony that is like 10,000 bar mitzvahs rolled into one, with an army of centaurs smiling benignly and Liam Neeson giving a big speech about Peter the Magnificent--he's the oldest and most Hitler Youthesque of the childre--even though we haven't seen Peter do anything but snivel.
      The lights come up. I file out, thoroughly dispirited, thinking about tomorrow and how we all have to go back to work.