March 26, 2006

You should teach your kid the Bible, unless of course you want them to be entirely ignorant of western culture. I tried reading the bible to my six-year old at various times, but she resisted this with every means at her disposal, including screaming "No! I hate the Bible!" and throwing things at me.
      But I discovered that if I told Bible stories in my own words, she would listen. Like this:

Then the snake came up and said to Eve, "Come on! It'll be okay! What's the problem? Just try the apple. It's delicious! Try it. Try it. Try it. Come on, try it. Try it. Try it try it tryittryittryit." Eve finally got kind of hypnotized by the snake and his weird little tongue going in and out of his mouth so she did try the apple, and got Adam to try it too. That evening God came walking through the garden, and he was fucking pissed! (We have a policy that you can swear all you want as long as you're inside the house.) "You fucked up bad and you're going to pay!"

Then, just as Abraham raised up his big axe and was about to chop off Isaac's head, God jumped out and said, "Stop! Just kidding! I didn't really want you to kill your son. It was just a test! Isn't that funny? And you passed. Good job. Here's a special certificate of achievement. And if you ever want me to kill any of your enemies, just pray and I'll kill 'em for you right away."

Then Elijah and the 500 priests of Ubbajubba (there were times when names had to be approximated) had a big competition in the mountains. It was like a Superbowl for prophets. The 500 Ubbajubba priests prayed all night but nothing happened. But as soon as Elijah started praying, he could make rainbows shoot out of his butt and all kinds of other great stuff, so he totally won the contest.